The Jeff Pulver Blog: Sometimes you need to Listen to Yourself (and NOT your friends)

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September 21, 2008

Sometimes you need to Listen to Yourself (and NOT your friends)

After losing my job on Wall Street, pulver.com became my full time focus during the summer of 1996.

For a number of years after starting pulver.com, whenever I had an idea, I would bounce my ideas off of certain people. What I didn't realize until years later was that my profile for taking risks was just different than many of my friends.

What I'm getting to is that your friends are not YOU. And this obvious observation took me a long time to appreciate.

There are times when you ask people for advice, instead of putting themselves in your place, often the people you ask look at things from their own personal perspective and that perspective guides their advice. In other words, there are times the people you go to will tell you what they would do, not necessarily what you need to do or not do. We need to keep in mind that the risk tolerance and safety nets of our friends are not always the same as own.

This meant that I didn't do a number of things I might have otherwise done. In fact for a period of time, I didn't do any of the things I should have done. Even if an idea didn’t work out, I would have had the experience of trying to do it. I believe there is always something to learn and sometimes we learn more from our failures than our successes. I know I have.

And the more failures we experience, the closer we are to experiencing success.

I also believe that there are times we know for ourselves what is the best path to follow.

Sometimes this defies logic. Sometimes we will defy our loved ones, our parents and our mentors. But when no one else but you can feel the opportunity and see the opportunity that no one else can see, then maybe you should be doing it. And understand that your vision and the passion you feel is just different than the people you are talking to.

When this happens to me I just close my eyes and envision my own success. Whenever I'm able to "see it", chances are I'm going to do whatever it was that I was questioning. And whenever I have or feel doubt, it is a time I take a pass.

When you are thinking about whether or not to do something, you need to be the one who decides for you. Your friends can say an idea is a good idea or a bad idea but you are the one who is taking the risk. When other things are moving fast around you, it can be easy to lose your perspective on things like this.

So these days while I still have a great deal of respect for the people around me, just because someone tells me that they don't get what it is that I'm doing, I try to be polite and will make a mental note of what was said. But I no longer stop thinking about doing something just because a friend thought it was a bad idea. However, I will flash back to that conversation and process what was told to me. Why? Because our friends know our blind spots. And sometimes they will prevent us from being blindsided, which is the unspoken reason of why I was asking for advice in the first place.

Tags: Entrepreneurship, leadership, Entrepreneur, Jeff Pulver

How about you? When exploring opportunities how much weight do you give to your friends and family? How often do you just listen to yourself and ignore everyone else around you? How do you balance your personal crowd sourcing for direction? Please share an experience. Please consider leaving a comment.

Posted by jeff on September 21, 2008 09:09 AM | Permalink

Additional resources: #140conf events | Watch the Jeff Pulver Show | Jeff's Qik Videos

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Friends and family are bound by the image of who you have been and how they relate to you. It's hard to expect them to understand who you can be and how that will change your relationship to them.

Re: listening to advice: it's a fine line between determination and stubbornness. Perhaps the difference between determination and stubbornness is the difference between ignoring people and ignoring results.

Posted by: Taylor at September 22, 2008 12:11 PM

I remember my first job out of grad school I worked with an impossible and unprofessional person. Our supervisor told both of us if either asked for a transfer we would be fired. I asked my mother if I should chance it and ask for transfer and she went apeshit. Advising me not to do it because "What if you get fired? I wouldn't do that. Just wait it out." I chose to ask for the transfer anyway. My gut told me to do it. I figured if I got the transfer I would be very happy and if I got fired then I would be fired from a job which was, at this point, a misery.

I asked for the transfer and I received the transfer and wound up with one of the best jobs I have ever had to date!

So yeah, other people are great to bounce things off of, but the bottom line is they aren't you. I use a mantra paraphrased from the 1980 Martin Mull movie "Serial"; I gotta be me, if I'm not me, who's gonna be me? You? No. You gotta be you. So I gotta be me."

Posted by: Devra Renner at September 22, 2008 09:11 AM

Great article! I find that even though it's good to bounce ideas off trusted people, life usually goes better for you when you just trust your own gut instinct. I cannot tell you how many times I went against the grain, and my life ended up being exponentially so much the better.

Posted by: Mimi at September 22, 2008 08:48 AM

I do have people I go to for advice. I will try to always listen, digest, think through. But the decision will be mine. The only times I went against my nature, are the times I regret doing what I did. I also clearly remember the first time I went against my family's advice. I was 18 and it turned out to be a decision that influenced my life like nothing before or since.

Posted by: Yael Beeri at September 22, 2008 05:31 AM

I remember talking to Sarah Deutsch via email about the process of building Drama Farm. I won't quote the whole paragraph that she wrote, but it was also basically along the same lines - that others won't always be as passionate about your idea, it's your idea after all. But eventually, if you look hard enough, you'll find people who are. You can see the whole interview at http://derrickkwa.com/archives/a-chat-with-sarah-deutsch/

But yeah, great post, and I've definitely had experience with it. Even with blogging, there are lots of people who thought (and some who still do think) that it's a waste of time, and that there's no point in my blogging.

And yes, you listen to the critics and skeptics, and respect their opinions. But at the end of the day, it's your choice, and I think as long as you know why you're doing it, and you believe in it, then there's no reason you shouldn't go for it. There are always going to be cynics, it's up to you to prove them wrong. ;).

Posted by: Derrick Kwa at September 22, 2008 04:31 AM

Thanks! I needed to hear this right now! It is very definitely time to put my money where my mouth is. I've been planning for a few months and it's easy to be brave when it's still just an idea, but when you have to start putting the money out there to make it happen it becomes scarier and you fear you're just throwing money away, but I know this is what I HAVE to do, and if I don't I will always regret it.

Posted by: zoe winters at September 21, 2008 02:00 PM

Nice post Jeff and very good points raised.
In my own experience friends and family mostly follow the basic rule of always encouraging you, whether or not they get what you're trying to do or believe in it.
Then there are the *haters* always trying to bring you down - they're skeptical and they try to make a fool out of you. Everyone has *friends* falling into this category though.
So, what I try to do is to always listen carefully to what people say but at the end of the day decide on my own, using my gut feeling most of the time.
There is a third category of people you should listen to - and you need to be lucky enough to know a bunch of them... they are other entrepreneurs who dealt with your same pains and uncertainty in the past and have learned from their own choices. Always take it with a pinch of salt but honestly the best feedback from a guy who says "I don't get it" or "your unique proposition is not crisp enough to me" comes when he/she gives you valuable advice based on his/her experience, eg it's not too late to change your idea to something more unique and appealing, or check again whether the need you're trying to satisfy exists, etc.
The people you really want to follow are those who say something positive or negative and then add something else which make sense and enhance what they're saying. If people only praise or criticize you or your idea they're not adding value to your knowledge, so you need to listen but not necessarily to follow what they say.

Historian and writer Lewis Mumford used to say “A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man. Kites rise against, not with, the wind”

Posted by: Fabio De Bernardi at September 21, 2008 12:22 PM

..."And the more failures we experience, the closer we are to experiencing success..." - I like it... I know it is true... But I am so tired on my long way ...
:-)

Posted by: Fabian Nirman at September 21, 2008 11:08 AM

I use to give a lot of thought to what my family and mentors suggested. However, once I discovered that most of the advice was taken from a position of "what's best for them" I now have gradually moved away from seeking approval from my inner circle.

I listen, make note of their input and then move forward.

Posted by: David Finch at September 21, 2008 10:43 AM

You are right.
In my personal life I have experienced lots of times he worry about friends and parents. They were trying to change my mind on some ideas mainly because they don't understand what I'm doing, and also (on my parents side) they want me to have a safe life and taking risks is not the best choice. In my opinion is always good to listen to them because they can make you see different aspect of something, but there is always the need to remember that you have to decide for your life and that lots of times people around you don't know things, trends and environment that you work in. There is always the need to listen, but there is always the need to thing with your won head, only you have the vision about your projects and ideas and if is worth to take the risk.

Posted by: Edoardo Piccolotto at September 21, 2008 10:35 AM

September 21, 2008

Sometimes you need to Listen to Yourself (and NOT your friends)

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